February, the “runt of the litter” month

As is true for many people, February is my most difficult month. I suspect it’s because all of the chaos of Christmas and New Years is over but we’re still enduring short days and long nights before Spring and Summer kick in. It is still cold and even if it is a bright and sunny day, you either enjoy it through a window in your home or you’re bundled up with only your face getting the true benefit of the rays. February is the reason why so many “northerners” head south for a quick getaway. While I don’t know the true stats, many others must feel the same way since February is considered “high season” for tropical destinations.

February was never set up for success, even in the beginning. Why else would the other months get 30 days and February only stuck with 28? February is so deprived that even when the creators gave out bonus days to months like January, March, May, July, August, October and December, it was completely bypassed. All it would have taken would be for two of those months to give up a single day and February could have been a regular month just like the others.

I think February was the result of a conversation at the end of a heavy night of drinking. I picture some guy stumbling around, barely able to speak, attempting to come up with the name. “I shall call it… Fabur… Frebu… Febuary, no…something’s missing. Ahh, an ‘r’ after the ‘b’ to make it flow like all words in the English language — February!”.

Now that it had a name, it had to be unique. Its creators had to show off their artistic abilities. They deemed that a month with such a unique and wonderful name would be packed with so much enjoyment and magic that it could not be endured for as long as the other months so it would be made to only last for 28 days. This way people would not exhaust themselves with all the fun they would be having. Then, to be especially creative, once every four years, the month would celebrate an extra day. This was purely an artistic decision that would be left to the scientists to explain to the masses.

This extra day took the community by surprise and, given the times, wasn’t received in the way the creators had intended. An event that only occurs every four years must be apocalyptic in nature and must represent some significant event. Anyone born on this day must be, in part, the spawn of the devil. Later beliefs emerged indicating that these individuals were actually aliens and that they age four times slower than those of us native to earth. They only celebrate a birthday every four years so as to appear normal. Of course, none of these are true. I have a cousin born on February 29 and I can tell you she is neither devil spawn, nor an alien. She is just a normal person who is fully grown, holding down a stable career, and has only celebrated 1/4 of the birthdays of anyone else. Her red glowing, cat-like eyes are just a feature that makes her unique…not related to anything else.

The creators of February saw things going “off course” and wanted to try and improve things. Unfortunately, they spent so much time trying to make the month unique that they totally missed the “Calendar Month Placement Auction.” This was the event where the months would find their placements within the year. They were left with the only spot available, right smack in the middle of Winter. Being the creative artists they were, they took this as an opportunity. They thought to themselves, “What do people do in the middle of Winter that we could celebrate?” Well, many suggestions came up. We could celebrate “Frostbite Day” or “Did we split enough wood — Day of Panic”. They tried adding, “You really need a bath day” but noticed too many people were dying of pneumonia. Finally, they thought they had something — “We could celebrate wild, nasty sex day!” This was the type of activity that both lifts the spirits and generates welcome heat for everyone involved. It was at that point that the doctor’s association got involved saying, “If you proceed with this idea, we will see an increase in childbirths right before the holiday season. We’re doctors, damnit. You can’t expect us to work so close to the holidays!”.

The creators didn’t want to upset the doctors because, as everyone knows, art can be dangerous and you never know when you’re going to need a doctor. Hopefully not anywhere near the holidays. Anyway, they chose to tame down their original idea with the simple idea of “love”. They would promote the idea of, not only love but the idea that true love requires truly deep pockets. Mr. Hallmark, owner of the pulp mill, suggested that people could give each other high-quality folded paper with poetic sayings on them so that people don’t have to actually say things to each other while showing the illusion of deep, considerate affection. The chocolate makers guild suggested that chocolate warms any heart in the cold of winter and the premiums that could be charged by producing a heart-shaped box couldn’t be ignored. The jewellery makers latch on to any excuse to push their wares and would fully support and exploit any idea for celebration. They even had a special charm picked out for “Frostbite day”. Finally, the greenhouse owners wanted a piece of the pie and suggested flowers are the truly magical gift of love since they had no place existing in the sub-zero temperatures of the month. In reality, they were looking for an opportunity to advertise their upcoming Spring and Summer Catalogue. To top off this wonderful event, they would name it Valentine’s Day with the expectation that, once again, the scientists and historians would come up with a reasonable explanation for the name.

I went a little off track with this post. I started the week not having a clue what I wanted to write. My mind was blank and I was starting to stress that I wouldn’t be able to think of anything. I chose to let my mind free and to make up stuff as it came to me. For those of you who may be a bit more “trusting” than others, very little of what I wrote above is actually true. I wouldn’t want to be labelled as one of those historians or scientists that spend endless time and energy in search of the actual truth. I’m just another voice out there, coming up with an alternate perspective on something that would normally be boring, even if that perspective is completely fictitious…or is it?